Dimenticare
by Hwata
Summary: Italian for "to forget" Eli could only watch her walk away for 10.57 seconds before he burst into tears. It was emotion overload and he wasn't sure what to do. So he cried. It might've seemed incredibly unmanly but he felt incredibly broken...


**A/N: **Sorry to anyone that's reading this and reads my seddie fanfic. I already wrote the next chapter, I just don't feel inspired to publish it. However, I was inspired by Lady Callista's "Barely Breathing." So good! This is loosely based off of her's. I would encourage anyone who is an Ichihime fan to read it. Also I don't own Degrassi or Eli or Clare. If I did, blah, blah, blah. XP

You know there's something wrong with you when you have to remind yourself to keep breathing. That if you stopped thinking about it for too long, you'd die from suffocation.

You know there's something wrong with you when that doesn't seem like such a bad thing.

Eli made it a habit of visiting "their bench" because he knew when it all went wrong. He wanted to remember when it was right. He wanted to remember those first times when feelings collided in bursts of colors and all that poetry bullshit.

He was surprised to see Clare there that day. It made him a mixture of conflicting emotions. He was happy but he was nervous but he was sad but he was upset but he was heartbroken but he was in love all over again. She was staring across the street, not noticing him walking towards her.

He sat down next to her, reminding himself to breath. It was easy, he just needed to inhale and exhale every 5 seconds. Inhale, exhale, side glance at Clare who had started looking at him, inhale, exhale...inhale, exhale, inhale...

"Hey," he greeted in between breaths. She nodded towards him, looking back across the street.

"What are you doing here?" she asked softly, looking down. Her hair moved to cover her face even though she was wearing a thin, green headband. Eli wanted to move it so badly so he could look into her pretty eyes. He lifted his hand but dropped it when he exhaled.

"I always come here. I like to sit and think," he replied, slouching a little. Clare looked at him, trying to figure out what he meant, what he thought about. Did he think about Julia, her, or maybe that new girl? Clare had long ago given up on trying to solve the mystery that was Eli. Or at least that's what she told herself.

"And you?" he asked in a quieter tone than she had used. She shrugged in response. Eli's mind set to work thinking of the million different things a shrug could mean in this situation. It was too busy doing this to remember to breathe.

He suddenly gasped, coughing a little. Clare looked at him confused as he breathed in and out slowly. He blushed a little, embarrassed and self-conscious. She decided to let this go as well, and instead continued to try and remember what she liked about him; why she liked being around him.

Eli wondered what to do next. He moved a little closer to her, trying to be subtle. She rolled her eyes and sighed.

"My mom has a boyfriend," she said. Eli looked at her, sympathetic. More parent problems? He put everything else on the back burner as he tried to think of what to say.

"Who?"

"This guy from our church. He's 27," she added quickly. His eyes widened and he chuckled a little. She turned to him, glaring. "What is so funny?"

"It's a younger guy, a way younger guy! This would only happen to you. I mean, with all the shit you've gone through..." He continued to laugh and smile genuinely for maybe the first time since they broke up. Clare smiled, then joined in his laughter.

Sometimes, they knew each other so perfectly that it was scary. These were the times that she had lived for and prayed for (not literally) when they had been dating. These were the times in which she would smile at him and kiss him and things were so...perfect, for lack of a better word.

She noticed that between his laughs were rough intakes of air. She stopped laughing slowly, worried. She hadn't remembered him saying anything about breathing problems.

"Do you have asthma or something?" she questioned. She noticed the cautious way he glanced at her and shook his head. She wanted to let this go as well but there was something in the way he had looked at her that troubled her more than Alli would approve.

Before she question him further, he spoke, "So, is you being here...a good thing?" He looked so wide-eyed and hopeful. She felt horrible for having to say no. She shook her head, never breaking eye contact with him.

Eli can't pretend that he hoped for a yes. He knew she wasn't ready for him and all he came with but it never hurt to ask, right? Wrong. Dead wrong. He looked away from her and tried to conceal his anger and frustration. All he wanted was Clare and to be with her. Why didn't Clare want him back? What did he have to do to change it? Could he even change it?

"There must have been a reason for you to come here, Clare. It's not a secret that I do. I'm sure Adam told you enough for you to get worried and rush here before I did," he said between gritted teeth. She ignored his comment and took his hands into hers.

"Eli, you don't sound okay." He snapped.

"Of course I'm not okay! Was I supposed to be happy happy joy joy? Great observation, Clare," he snatched his hands away and clapped slowly. "What can you tell us next? Can dogs bark or is that just a myth?" Clare looked down, trying to cover her anger as well.

"There's no need to get snarky. If it's bad enough that your parents show up on my doorstep "

"My parents?" he exclaimed. Eli ran his fingers in his hair and stood up. He was fidgeting a little, upset and hurt. Clare backed away from him. He turned and saw the fear in his eyes. It made him want to cry. "You're scared of me?"

"No," she replied. "I'm scared of what you'll do to yourself. Remember last time I told you something you didn't like." He shook his head, sitting down next to her.

"Why won't you understand? I did that for you! You hated Morty so I hated him too. My life means nothing to me, Clare." Clare glared at him.

"Your life may mean nothing to you but it means everything to the people who love you: your parents, your family, Adam...me...Julia," she said. Eli started to cry. "Think of what Julia would've thought about this."

"I-don't-care-about-Julia. What can I do to convince you of that?" he asked, almost bawling. Clare shook her head, staring at him with pretty melancholy eyes. She could say the same about him.

"You can't and you won't because you do care about her. But you want to care about me more. And that may be true but we need space more than anything at this moment," she answered. His tears stopped as he paused in thought. Clare had recently become scared of every time he thought for too long.

"You are what I need, Clare. You are what I need, what I want, what I can't live without; you are my life," he replied. These were the words she had dreamed about, that every girl dreams about. That one guy who tells you that he can't live without you, that he wants to be with you forever.

That wasn't how real life worked. It wasn't happily ever afters and kisses and princes.

"Eli, we're in high school. That's too intense for me. Everything with you has been one intense thing after another and that's why I needed time to breathe without worrying or thinking about it," she said firmly.

He wanted to glare at her but he couldn't find it in him to mention the irony. She was suffocating in their relationship and he's suffocating outside of it.

She decided that was the end of the conversation. She moved to hug him but thought twice. Instead, she squeezed his shoulder affectionately. He never understood that gesture and it annoyed the fuck outta him. Especially coming from her.

She picked up her humongous bag that couldn't possibly be for all her schoolwork and walked away quickly. She wanted to escape that horrible feeling she had. She had tried to talk to him. She convinced herself that she had tried her hardest and that she had done some good. She looked back to see his head in his hands and his shoulders shaking. She began walking back, then stopped herself.

_Stop,_she thought. _Don't let him manipulate you into staying._ She walked away again; this time, she had to repeatedly tell herself not to look back and not to go back.

Eli could only watch her walk away for 10.57 seconds before he burst into tears. It was emotion overload and he wasn't sure what to do. So he cried. It might've seemed incredibly unmanly but he felt incredibly broken. He covered his eyes with his hands and leaned his elbows on his knees as he continued to cry.

He gasped, trying to breathe and cry, knowing that it was impossible. But he would do it, he would show Clare that they were meant to be. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale...inhale...inhale dammit! His eyes closed as he fell forward, off "their" bench.

It was when he awoke in the hospital with his mother crying over him and his father glaring with worried eyes that he decided that he was done. Finished. End.

**A/N due (italian for two, pronounced doo-ay): **Last day of school? Woo! Having to work over the summer? BOOOO! Why did I decide to be an adult again? This is what I think would happen between the end of season 10 and the part in the muchmusic promo where he says "i have no feelings." I tried to keep them in character. Let me know what you thought. First e-clare fic but not the last!XP


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